The Liquor Lounge

Missed you too Res! Re cigar shot, I ,may have one - no idea where camera is packed to take a new one any time soon.

Flew in from Perth on Fri, after catching up with Chaz (see his blog). No phone, car etc until I hit work on Mon.

May be half in love with someone (not myself this time)!

Fascinating, I know.

M

I’m off to the North Coast tomorrow for a mate’s wedding. I stay there the night, then fly to Perth for a week long conference. I return to the East Coast, but not to Brisbane, instead I fly into Sydney at 11pm next Friday night to begin life anew. The original Cesspit is rented out, the place that I bought with my brother in July 09 (Cesspit Rdux for Dr Y - who dropped me home there in a cab!) will be rented out by April, when my brother heads overseas for a year.

My middle brother has returned after six years in Switzerland. It was the first Xmas since 1998 that we were all together in the one city together. Sadly, it will be the last for a while. I’m already missing my cocktail cabinet (and my brothers). Take care all; I’ll be back once I’m settled in Sin City.

I caught up with a friend who is MC’ing a mate’s wedding next weekend so that we could work on our speeches and ensure that there will be no overlap.

This is how I’m introduced

With a friendship  that dates back 18 yrs for Bruce and 11 years for Mel, there are few more people better qualified to  be standing in front of us  then our next speaker.  Together they have terrorised members of the military and civilian population across Australia for years.  At the tender age of 20 and 17, they joined the Army on the same day, later they lived at the same Officers Mess at Gallipoli Barracks and finally they shared some of the most disturbing share houses in Sydney and Brisbane.  From major cities through to small towns, he has been on the Most Wanted List of all fathers of young daughters.

And now ladies and gentlemen, for a man that knows very much about many things, but very little about commitment, it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you, our Best Man, one of Bruce’s best mates,  Michael McM to propose the toast to the Bride and Groom.

No fucking respect! The dig about commitment is especially piquant, as the MC is my ex-girlfriend from a few years ago. Naturally, I cheated on her. And got caught. Several times. Should be a fun wedding!

I awoke this morning with the idea in my mind that my office (my bedroom, where I really get down to business) seemed a little more oval than before. There was no stained dress in my wardrobe nor a cressted mat on the floor, so I couldn’t work out why I felt so Clintonesque. Until I opened my mail and found a deck of cigars from the Evilly wonderful Fury. So, I’m just about to head to the cafe strip and search for a plump intern and try one out!

I’ll let you know how it goes! Thanks very much Susan, I’ll have one and a snifter of Oban tonight.

Also, my bigpond account is on my personal laptop which is now in Sydney. If I’ve missed any emails pls forgive me. It will be unattended for the next month or so. Hope you are all embracing 2010 with maniacal enthusiasm

M

What Would Steve Wear?

In my desparate desire to emulate Steve, I have attempted to dress as him for New Years Eve.

I went with yellow chinos (the colour of chamois leather - with a cracking 2 inch cuff and zero break in the leg - I had to have stern words to my tailor about the correct trouser length for casual wear), a white barrel-cuffed shirt and a blazer that is as close to the American Sack Cut that I can stomach. It is single breasted (I had the brass buttons replaced with Mother of Pearl - I figure that is the way Steve would roll) and has patch pockets for a casual look. Only the sleeves are lined, so the body of the coat has a wonderful drape and the lapel roll is very full.

If it were any other night than NYE I would have worn the American staple “Penny Loafers” on my hooves. However, given the number of pissed morons on the streets, I’m in cognac coloured riding boots in case I actually need to break someones leg.

If someone I know takes a photo of me (obviously the gen pop will be clicking away like crazy at this vision of sartorial splendour) I’ll post it later.

Have a great NYE all and thanks for the entertainment in 09

Michael

I had heard that Jesus was actually born on the 24th of December, but they pushed back his (as the less important of the two) birthday so that two Messiahs were not born on the one day. It was feared that it would be too much for the world.

Lesley is the first person that I came to internet-know reasonably well. She is pretty, patient, funny, charming and kind (these are extremely rare traits for anyone, let alone a kiwi)! It has been a pleasure to count myself an acquaintance of hers and may this coming year be filled to the brim with her most high desserts.

Best wishes and much love to you Res

M

Thanks very  much for all the birthday wishes; you are very kind.

Off to Sydney for work in the New Year. So I have to find a place to live etc. and sort out the Cesspit and Cesspit Redux up here.

My middle brother returns from six years in Europe next Monday. It’ll be great to see more of him and his fiance.

Best Man at a mate’s wedding in early Jan, so if anyone has some particularly off-colour jokes, please forward them on!

My Secret Santa present was sent, but there is a postal strike down here (nice timing you communist fucks - I hope the emergency ward goes on strike when you pricks have your inevitable drunken car accidents).

Best wishes to all of you and yours for Christmas. And may you all have a wonderful 2010 - I know that  I plan on doing so!

Take care

M

Pete left his laptop (which he refers to as his Molling Machine) open one night. This was the result:

Knew you would like to hear something about yourself.    I have blanked out the name to protect the girl’s identity.  She also sent me the emails you wrote her.  I wish I could send them too, but i respect her privacy.  You are a sicko.  I also can’t believe you use a template.  What a shallow loser!

I would start to think about your behaviour if I was you, or you it WILL bite you in the arse - very soon. 

———————————————————————————————————————————

Hello,

I am emailing you as I was very recently seeing a guy who I suspect is a complete player - Peter XXXXXX. I think you may have been seeing him too? I am wondering if I can trust my instincts or not, and for peace of mind I would be very interested to hear your experiences.

If you haven’t been out with him, or don’t want to talk about it, I will take my embarassed self away and won’t bother you again. If you have and are happy to share you experiences with someone who just got totally burned, I look forward to hearing from you.

Sally

Hey Sally,
Thanks for writing…
I met with Peter 3 times. Yes, he is evil lol.
Trust your gut and instincts. I had a gut feeling the first time but gave him the benefit of the doubt. I shouldn’t have.
How many times did you see him etc… and how were you burned? I ended up walking out (and alas never heard from him again). I think he got the picture!

Are all guys on rsvp the same ARGH????? Have you been on for long?

*****************

It must be love!

Hook line and sinker!

And no matter what the response is; Pete’s rule is that no woman is worth more than three emails - so he walks.

Hi Peter

I must admit I was very impressed by your letter writing skills. Unfortunately for you, I am going on a 5 day work trip tomorrow (ah, today!).  Home for a night and off to the States, away 8 days (pleasure/weekend convention) and then home for a night and off to Singapore for 3 days (work).  You could catch me on one of those ah, ‘nights home’.

Hear from you soon

Sally

0402 156 XXX

PS  why did you remove your profile?  I can’t read about you again?!!!

88888888888

Let the Texting Begin

Pete normally likes to lead off with a couple of texts to ‘warm them up’ as he puts it! They are normally humorous but slightly offensive or suggestive messages, of which he has plenty templates. Even if they don’t respond then, they often will when they are tired, emotional and lonely, later on in the week. This is when he strikes like a taipan and makes the call.

The Call

I’ve spent much of my life in the company of fellow sleazebags, but I’ll tell you one thing, this guy has more chat than any guy I’ve ever met, period. His letter writing, while amusing, is nothing like how he is once he scents an easy take down. I can’t explain it, but it is effective. 80% of the women that he meets online actually agree to meet him at his house - seriously. And, before anyone says that they’d never do this, trust me, plenty do.

If they won’t agree to meet him at his place, he organises dinner at a Thai place all of 500m away and then turns on the charm at sufficient wattage to either get them home straight after or if they appear too difficult to bed that night (he has a nose for this) he just ups, pays the bill and leaves without saying another word. Half of them then text him and want to head around to his place because they have nothing else on in their lives anyway.

Once or twice I have known him to actually take her somewhere decent - but this is incredibly rare (1 in 30) - and only for a tough nut to crack who is also v hot. His mother owns a cattle property not far from town - it is quite opulent, sometimes he’ll take them there and pretend that it is his, if he thinks it will help his cause.

The Date - Scenario I - His Place

Pete owns a very nice house in one of Brisbane’s best suburbs. It is always filthy! You’d think that he’d bother to clean it up for dates, he doesn’t. Nor does he make any effort to dress well. Amusingly the name of his house is the “Eagles Nest” - true. He simply refers to it as the Nest. I have seen women turn up there for a date with him expecting to go out for dinner. He normally stands behind an electric garage door wearing tracksuit pants and a singlet before pressing up!

This excerpt from two women bitching about him after they found out about one another sums up the impression it makes

“I hated that the times I saw him we met at his place, and stayed local (if we went out)… that didn’t add up to me ie. I wanted to get out and do other things; meet in public etc.
The first day we met, he was dressed as a slob. His house is disguisting and I ccan’t believe I met him again. Anyways, lesson learned

A man among men!

I have been there when women have turned up for a date on a number of occasions. Most are slightly shocked, but he deals with it pretty convincingly and self-deprecatingly. Although, I was there once and the woman rocked in, took one look at him, another look at his place and said “you can’t be fucking serious” before turning on her heel and walking out. This is why he likes to have half a dozen or so, on the books for a weekend.

Now that you’ve flicked her an email, all you need to do is to wait until she replies. If you fire off enough, you’ll eventually get a certain proportion back. The key to the email game is not getting caught up in it. You need to remain focussed on the job at hand - and at this stage, that job is getting a phone number.

Once you have digits you can close this thing with a deep line in phone smut.

One of the benefits of his template is that it excludes most of the intelligent women who can see through it. Leaving you with the slightly more credulous members of the dating site. This = Win.

Posted below is an actual reply and Pete’s response. The first paragraph is the template and the second paragraph introduces a few double entendres. This will help to weed out more women who aren’t attracted to slime balls. I have put Pete’s more amusing lines in Bold - skip Sally’s reply, it is mainly drivel and head down to read Romeo’s work (mainly the bold parts).

Sally’s Reply

Feel Free to Skip This - it is just Blather - Pete’s Reply is Gold!

Subject: Trying…

I’ve decided I’m not going to try and match your humour. Its complexity is astounding, and for a novice like me, intimidating.
 
Instead, I’ll return the favour and tell you a little about me. Please feel free to jump in with any questions you may have; I’ll only take your silence as a sign that you wholeheartedly agree with everything I’ve said and that you’re dumbfounded by my high level of wit, intelligence and linguistic skill.
 
I am of Australian descent, but moved to the UK when I was 13, and came back 11 years later. Because of this, I have a very slight english accent, which I’ve been told assists me in my every day duties as a business development manager with Fairfax. Previous to this I worked for an advertising agency, and before that was in the UK working for the Guardian Newspaper. I did not choose my career path, I fell into it and couldn’t find my way out again. I am, however, satisfied with the current state of affairs, and plan to continue milking one of the largest media organisation in the country for all I can get.
 
I’m super impressed with your job. I can’t actually begin to describe how impressed I am, and how refreshing it is to know that there are people with real jobs out there somewhere.
 
My profile tells you a little about how I spend my time. Colin (my cat) takes up a lot of time and energy. He’s a growing boy and needs his mother around a fair bit. BUT he occasionally gives me a permission slip to be late home etc. Such a kind young thing.
 
I like the fact that you’re seldom serious. I’m serious about my writing, my health and my cat, and then everything else is free to be pretty relaxed. I’m young, you’re old. Ha. I’m 26 soon. (Yes, I’m young enough to be bragging about my upcoming increase in age.) I am mature for my age - I put this down to rebelling at a younger age than most, getting all the silliness out of the way before I started uni, and my deep level of thought for everything. What can I say - I’m a writer, I analyse everything, observe everything and record it in my tiny brain for the end of the day when I pick it apart and extract any useful pieces of information that may be able to be used in some way which would benefit me, or my readers.
 
Answering your criteria: I’m happy - perhaps a little too happy (which is why it’s been a bit of an effort to admit that there’s something missing from my life and to go on RSVP). My job is legal - I con the government out of their money in order to finance my addiction to chicken and the gym. I’m open to the idea of settling down with someone else, (meaning, someone other than Colin). I’m kind, but I don’t give anything to homeless people - especially not a cheeseburger. I am caring - I care about a lot of stuff. I have a sense of humour - my sense indicates that you’re humourous, I can be on occasion, and have an inkling that humour is a recessive gene. Perhaps you can enlighten me on that one.
 
And there we have it - I wrote more than you. I win. Any objections…? No….? Great!
 
Sally

Pete’s Response

Worth the Read!

Well I do declare, you are everything I had hoped and more…. Goodness, looks like I am going to have to get my act together….. I mean, what could a humble man such as myself possibly offer a beautiful, intelligent, insightful, driven and talented woman such as you? I would tell you all about my incredible accomplishments but I feel it would be paled by your own after having just read a no doubt mere fraction of yours……. (Looks like I am going to end up one of those stay at home dads) No, No, I hear you, I know you are just being polite when you say “Tell me, please tell me all about you, I want to know everything”…….. I just had a glance back at your profile, you are such an extraordinary woman. I have to see more of you, could you send me some more shots, as I will be away on trips for the next two weeks and my curiosity will become overwhelming.

I am in Rockhampton right now on my whirlwind tour of godforsaken destinations. I will be traveling through Yeepoon, then Gladstone, then some island for the weekend (Great Keppal), then Sydney for meetings and back around Friday week. Some how I am going to have to fit in running, jogging, swimming, weight lifting, botox and hair dying before I meet you. If by some miracle I manage to pull myself together I would very much like to spend some time with you. I really don’t mind what we do… It is customary for the male of the species to feed the female as a sign of a good potential. But, if you have an eating disorder, we can do whatever? I would love to talk to you in the meantime, if or when you feel ready, send me your no. and I will give you a call (I may txt you first, warm you up a little). I am very happy to have heard from you especially as you have turned out to be so interesting. I have never met a cat lady before, I have however had a few people curse it upon me, something along the lines of “I hope you end up with some old cat lady one day!” I am in some degree of doubt about your pussy? It seems there is a certain degree of reference to it being hairless? Am I right? Is this actually the case? I know there are a type of pussy that is bald but can’t quite remember the name right now, but I know due to the rarity and expense some people just shave theirs and try to pass it of as the genuine article. I not saying that ’you’ shave ‘your’ pussy! I am sure yours, if in fact is hairless, was born that way. I myself love pussy cats, but after the last one died I haven’t adopted again. Nor have I forgiven my snake.. It seems to have developed a taste for pussy, it seems the older and bigger it gets it becomes less practical as a pet, I just can’t seem to bring myself to cut it loose. I do understand however when you say that a pet can rule your life, my snake seems to be making all my decisions for me. I have sworn, after this experience no more trouser snakes!

I can’t help but notice there is definite ‘chicken’ theme to most of your writings… I believe you refer to it as your addiction? Well, there are definitely worse things to be addicted to. Have you tried chocolate chicken? It is a Mexican dish. The chocolate consists of a sauce made from coca beans which, without sugar, has quite a bitter taste and gritty consistency. Probably not the most delicious of dish’s but in the pursuit of feeding an inexhaustible hunger for our feathery companions, it may be a welcomed opportunity for a little variety. I am a thigh man myself, not that I don’t like breast. I find that a succulent thigh always seems to be the first place I start when I get my hands on a bird. I use to eat the parsons nose, but now, with so many health concerns today, that’s only when I feel like being bad.

Well, I have covered your cat and your chicken addiction so far. I feel it would be better to stop and take stock at this stage. Let you slowly emerge into my personality (humor). Bit by bit, you may not notice where it has ended up lol

Intrigued

Peter