The Liquor Lounge

While I haven’t moved much stuff down here, I have managed to rent a new pad. It has been over a decade since I’ve rented a place; I forgot how much of a fuck around it is. It is a beautiful home on Sydney Harbour - however, only the bottom floor is mine. It is really spacious and has all that a reformed sleazebag needs. So if any of you guys make it to Sin City, drop in for a lazy 50 or 60 beers.

In the “I never would have believed it possible” department. I have survived nearly 3 weeks with one blazer, three suits and a dinner jacket. It hasn’t been easy, but now I know what it must be like to live in poverty. Thankfully, I can now organise for all my suits to join me here - I’ve missed them terribly.

Your favourite kind of fucking?

Abe postulated that hotel sex was the third best kind. And although my weekend wasn’t as busy as Naut’s - I did find some time to do a little research.

I’m partial to restaurant lavatories. In particular, the better dining establishments around town that have powder rooms. They’re generally not too busy - mainly because they have an elderly clientele where the women are either starving themselves to death in order to remain Mr Big-Bucks final, rather than first wife, or they have colostomy bags.

“Why restaurant toilets?” you may well ask. Well as I’ve aged, I’ve moved on from nightclub toilets- matured, is I suppose, the word for it - I prefer the slower pace of a dining emporium’s facilities.

So grab yourself a blonde, club hopping girl. They’re used to fucking in the dunnies of dance clubs - so they’ll feel right at home in a restaurant lav.

Head to the ladies

Prop a chair up behind the door, so that when it is pushed against, it catches the handle.

Sorry about the photos - they were action shots! I only had so much time dear reader.

Grab your better half (or someone else’s better half for that matter) and get to work!

Once you’ve done your dash, so to speak, the astute move is to walk her back to the dining room; then excuse yourself with the phrase “Excuse me for a moment, I left a surprise for you at reception I’ll be right back”. Then catch a taxi home. She certainly will be surprised when she asks for you at reception!

Or you can lame out like I did on Saturday and head back to hers for a binge drinking, drug fuelled session of mammoth proportions.

You can see from the photo below, that she has the right idea in mind!

Ain’t love grand!

By the time I finally dragged my bedraggled carcass home in the wee hours of Sunday morning, I had only one concern - that I didn’t wake up in a pool of my own piss. It is difficult being this classy!

NB - The original post had actual photo’s from the dunny - but it is too hard to transfer them all here.

Have a great weekend all!

Missed you too Res! Re cigar shot, I ,may have one - no idea where camera is packed to take a new one any time soon.

Flew in from Perth on Fri, after catching up with Chaz (see his blog). No phone, car etc until I hit work on Mon.

May be half in love with someone (not myself this time)!

Fascinating, I know.

M

I’m off to the North Coast tomorrow for a mate’s wedding. I stay there the night, then fly to Perth for a week long conference. I return to the East Coast, but not to Brisbane, instead I fly into Sydney at 11pm next Friday night to begin life anew. The original Cesspit is rented out, the place that I bought with my brother in July 09 (Cesspit Rdux for Dr Y - who dropped me home there in a cab!) will be rented out by April, when my brother heads overseas for a year.

My middle brother has returned after six years in Switzerland. It was the first Xmas since 1998 that we were all together in the one city together. Sadly, it will be the last for a while. I’m already missing my cocktail cabinet (and my brothers). Take care all; I’ll be back once I’m settled in Sin City.

I caught up with a friend who is MC’ing a mate’s wedding next weekend so that we could work on our speeches and ensure that there will be no overlap.

This is how I’m introduced

With a friendship  that dates back 18 yrs for Bruce and 11 years for Mel, there are few more people better qualified to  be standing in front of us  then our next speaker.  Together they have terrorised members of the military and civilian population across Australia for years.  At the tender age of 20 and 17, they joined the Army on the same day, later they lived at the same Officers Mess at Gallipoli Barracks and finally they shared some of the most disturbing share houses in Sydney and Brisbane.  From major cities through to small towns, he has been on the Most Wanted List of all fathers of young daughters.

And now ladies and gentlemen, for a man that knows very much about many things, but very little about commitment, it gives me great pleasure to introduce to you, our Best Man, one of Bruce’s best mates,  Michael McM to propose the toast to the Bride and Groom.

No fucking respect! The dig about commitment is especially piquant, as the MC is my ex-girlfriend from a few years ago. Naturally, I cheated on her. And got caught. Several times. Should be a fun wedding!

I awoke this morning with the idea in my mind that my office (my bedroom, where I really get down to business) seemed a little more oval than before. There was no stained dress in my wardrobe nor a cressted mat on the floor, so I couldn’t work out why I felt so Clintonesque. Until I opened my mail and found a deck of cigars from the Evilly wonderful Fury. So, I’m just about to head to the cafe strip and search for a plump intern and try one out!

I’ll let you know how it goes! Thanks very much Susan, I’ll have one and a snifter of Oban tonight.

Also, my bigpond account is on my personal laptop which is now in Sydney. If I’ve missed any emails pls forgive me. It will be unattended for the next month or so. Hope you are all embracing 2010 with maniacal enthusiasm

M

What Would Steve Wear?

In my desparate desire to emulate Steve, I have attempted to dress as him for New Years Eve.

I went with yellow chinos (the colour of chamois leather - with a cracking 2 inch cuff and zero break in the leg - I had to have stern words to my tailor about the correct trouser length for casual wear), a white barrel-cuffed shirt and a blazer that is as close to the American Sack Cut that I can stomach. It is single breasted (I had the brass buttons replaced with Mother of Pearl - I figure that is the way Steve would roll) and has patch pockets for a casual look. Only the sleeves are lined, so the body of the coat has a wonderful drape and the lapel roll is very full.

If it were any other night than NYE I would have worn the American staple “Penny Loafers” on my hooves. However, given the number of pissed morons on the streets, I’m in cognac coloured riding boots in case I actually need to break someones leg.

If someone I know takes a photo of me (obviously the gen pop will be clicking away like crazy at this vision of sartorial splendour) I’ll post it later.

Have a great NYE all and thanks for the entertainment in 09

Michael

I had heard that Jesus was actually born on the 24th of December, but they pushed back his (as the less important of the two) birthday so that two Messiahs were not born on the one day. It was feared that it would be too much for the world.

Lesley is the first person that I came to internet-know reasonably well. She is pretty, patient, funny, charming and kind (these are extremely rare traits for anyone, let alone a kiwi)! It has been a pleasure to count myself an acquaintance of hers and may this coming year be filled to the brim with her most high desserts.

Best wishes and much love to you Res

M

Thanks very  much for all the birthday wishes; you are very kind.

Off to Sydney for work in the New Year. So I have to find a place to live etc. and sort out the Cesspit and Cesspit Redux up here.

My middle brother returns from six years in Europe next Monday. It’ll be great to see more of him and his fiance.

Best Man at a mate’s wedding in early Jan, so if anyone has some particularly off-colour jokes, please forward them on!

My Secret Santa present was sent, but there is a postal strike down here (nice timing you communist fucks - I hope the emergency ward goes on strike when you pricks have your inevitable drunken car accidents).

Best wishes to all of you and yours for Christmas. And may you all have a wonderful 2010 - I know that  I plan on doing so!

Take care

M

Pete left his laptop (which he refers to as his Molling Machine) open one night. This was the result:

Knew you would like to hear something about yourself.    I have blanked out the name to protect the girl’s identity.  She also sent me the emails you wrote her.  I wish I could send them too, but i respect her privacy.  You are a sicko.  I also can’t believe you use a template.  What a shallow loser!

I would start to think about your behaviour if I was you, or you it WILL bite you in the arse - very soon. 

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Hello,

I am emailing you as I was very recently seeing a guy who I suspect is a complete player - Peter XXXXXX. I think you may have been seeing him too? I am wondering if I can trust my instincts or not, and for peace of mind I would be very interested to hear your experiences.

If you haven’t been out with him, or don’t want to talk about it, I will take my embarassed self away and won’t bother you again. If you have and are happy to share you experiences with someone who just got totally burned, I look forward to hearing from you.

Sally

Hey Sally,
Thanks for writing…
I met with Peter 3 times. Yes, he is evil lol.
Trust your gut and instincts. I had a gut feeling the first time but gave him the benefit of the doubt. I shouldn’t have.
How many times did you see him etc… and how were you burned? I ended up walking out (and alas never heard from him again). I think he got the picture!

Are all guys on rsvp the same ARGH????? Have you been on for long?

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It must be love!